


Josh Chan needs to change

by WarmBlue



Category: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Character Study, F/M, Future Fic, New York City
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 14:03:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28814610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarmBlue/pseuds/WarmBlue
Summary: Rebecca asks Josh to come to New York with her. They both learn to grow up a little more.(It's mostly about Josh falling back in love with life and Rebecca being a dramatic queen)
Relationships: Rebecca Bunch & Josh Chan, Rebecca Bunch/Josh Chan
Comments: 3
Kudos: 1





	Josh Chan needs to change

**Author's Note:**

> So. I wrote this in the bus on my way to work, and English isn't my first language so forgive any mistake I've made that wasn't caught by my corrector.  
> I was just disappointed by the way the writers handled Josh's story in the last season. So there you have it, a quite but not really fic about Josh Chan trying to get his life back

Josh Chan has never been the smartest guy out there. He knows that, his parents know that, his friends know that. Valencia and Rebecca used to know that. Stacy, well. She’s different. It’s not really her fault. He tried se hard to make things work between them that he kind of showed her only the good sides of him. He didn’t want to replay the Anna fiasco. She disappeared and never returned any of his calls.

So, he kinda tried to make Stacy believe he was incredibly funny instead of stupid. It worked for a while, and when she realised that he didn’t have any ambition and didn’t really think about success the way most people did, she was already in love with him. She tried to push him to want bigger things than just « being happy » and she succeeded for a while. He got a dumb office job that he hated, but she allowed him to DJ on the weekends. He started to do adult things, like start a five year plan and go to the doctor for health checks. He was happy with that for a while, as long as he got to stay with Stacy, and that they ended up married and had kids.

But his therapist didn’t agree. He asked him a horrible question (he did that sometimes, and it made him wonder if it wasn’t better to just live his life in denial rather than face his problems) « Do you think Stacy is the one ? »   
And. Well. She wasn’t.

But she was here. She was here when he was heartbroken, jobless and lived at his friend’s mom’s place. She was here when he was a looser that lost half of his friends and was officially the biggest disappointment of his parents’ lives.

And because she was amazing, caring and kind and sweet, he decided that she deserved better than a guy who loved her just because she was here and she was convenient.

The break up was hard anyway. Without her, keeping his boring office job was meaningless, but he kept it anyway because he didn’t have a choice. He left Stacy the appartement and he went back to live at his parents’ place. His mom told him that he had three months to find a place or he’d have to pay a ridiculous amount of money to her for being such a burden.

Greg still barely talked to him. He tried to make amends many times, but he knew he hurt him deeply and their friendship had always been disfunctional (his therapist used this world to describe most of his relationships, and once he understood what it meant, he realised how sad it was that it was true) White Josh didn’t talk to him much, since he always liked Greg more. Hector was often absent, living in another city, but he kept in touch, here and there. Heather and him were thinking about doing another adult thing and have a baby of their own. The space between them was so big, he felt so left behind that talking to his friend became hard.

Valencia talked to him from times to times, when she was in town. He didn’t understand how she could stand to live in New York, were people were cold and the sky was grey, but she’s always been stronger than him. And she had Beth. He supposed going to New York all alone when he had a serious problem with, well, being alone, wasn’t a smart idea.

He talked to Rebecca sometimes. He thought he wouldn’t be able to see her ever again after she broke his heart, but being friends with her had always been easy. And, after all, she still was the only person who truly believed in him. Even after she stopped loving him. He could never give up on that genuine trust that she had put in him.

Strangely, the person he talked most to was Paula. Yeah. Weird. He didn’t really know how it came to be but he had to accompany his boss to the law firm to get some paper signed one day. His boss’s name was Betty and she was a middle aged woman who talked loudly. She claimed he was her hot young secretary. Paula was there, and she kept doing her weird angry face at him. He didn’t understand why at first (he did nothing wrong !) and he understood later that Paula didn’t like the way his boss talked to him. She said it was « inappropriate » and even used big scary words like « objectifing » or something, and « sexual harassment ». And well, yes, Betty liked to caress his arms and tell him to were tight jeans at work, which was weird, but she payed him well and didn’t overwork him so, what was he going to do ? He couldn’t loose his job. Stacy wanted him to keep it so he’d earn enough money to help her pay the bills. But Paula didn’t agree with the way he was handling the situation. She started checking on him, calling him often, asked him how he was feeling. It was nice to have someone who called, especially after he broke up with Stacy and his job became even more of a burden. Someone who talked to him and didn’t have anything negative to tell him. But Paula had her own life, and she had kids and stuff. And she was Rebecca’s mom. Kinda. So it was weird.

He was fine tho. His therapist told him he had to work on « loving himself without relying on the way people perceived him ». It took him a while to understand what it meant, but he got it now. He had to stop needing to be loved so much. No one called him and he barely hung out with his friends. But it was cool. He had to learn to be alone too. The fact that it was so hard for him didn’t mean it wasn’t healthy, it meant he was working on something difficult for him.  
He was getting better. 

He didn’t expect it when Rebecca showed up at his work place for lunch. But he should have seen it coming.  
She walked straight up to his office. He had no idea how she managed to skip security but he supposed it was hard to say no to Rebecca Bunch.

She smiled at him and told him they were going to have lunch together. He told her his break was in half an hour and she said she’d wait. She did the same frowny face Paula did when she saw his boss talk to him and send him on an early break because he deserved it. She didn’t say anything tho, not until they got to the Wok place.

\- So. She started, all serious. Paula was right. You’re being sexually harassed by your boss.  
\- What ? No, I’m not ! Stop it with this ! I can’t believe Paula told you about this !

He didn’t understand why he was surprised tho, Paula told Rebecca everything.  
The waitress came with their plates, and Josh decided that eating would be an excellent way to not have that conversation.

\- Josh, don’t start stuffing your mouth ! We’re not done here !  
\- I con’t speak, my moth is fol !  
\- Josh, listen. I know that you and Stacy broke up. To be honest, I didn’t think she was right for you. You seem to fall for girls who don’t really have a high opinion of you. You should talk about that to your therapist.

He frowned. It bugged him, those kind of comments. She didn’t have a right to say that to him after she said he was irrelevant and that he wasn’t the right choice for her. But his mouth was full, so he couldn’t really speak. His plan came to bit him in the ass…

\- You don’t have to stay in a job that makes you miserable. Your boss is mistreating you. You also can’t go back to living with Hector’s mom, come on !

He finally swallowed all his food and cut Rebecca’s wave of words.

\- And what would I do then ? Tell me if you’re so smart ! I don’t have any talent or skills, I never went to college, all I can do is look pretty ! The job that I have is perfect for me. I still have to keep money on the side for at least a year before I can rent a place on my own. Therapy costs me so much every week, but it’s the only thing I’m making progress in right now. You don’t understand that because you’re smart and talented and driven and you have money.

Rebecca didn’t seem to get it at all.

\- You’re making tons of progress ! You’re a lot more mature than you used to be and...

He cut her right away. He didn’t know why he was so angry suddenly, and his therapist (as well as Father Brah) told him that he needed to analyse his emotions more, and he would if she wasn’t right here in front of him.

\- I’m miserable, Becks ! Am I a better person ? Maybe. Do I feel better ? Hell no. I was happier when I was an oblivious idiot. I was happy before…

He cut himself. He couldn’t finish that sentence in front of her. He knew he’ll eventually have to talk about it but. Not now. He didn’t talk to her in two months, he couldn’t hurt her, he couldn’t.

\- Josh. Tell me. Before what ?

She looked at him with those big pleading eyes and he was never able to say no to her and stick to it.

\- I was happy before you came in town.

He could see it right away, how his words hurt her. He wanted to take it back but he couldn’t. It was true. He used to be happy. Genuinely happy.

\- You’ve made a lot of people happier. Like… Paula… Daryl… Heather… Valencia… Greg… The super tall guy… What’s his name ? You know, he went to South Africa ! Oh, yeah, Nigel ! They’re all much better since they’ve met you. But me ? I’ve lost my job, my girlfriend, my appartement and my friends. All of the relationships I had were toxic, but I didn’t even notice. I was just… You know. Happy. Or at least, happy enough. And you came and you made me realize things that I didn’t notice before, and I fell in love with you and then you scared me to death and I had nightmares for months and then I felt guilty because I thought I pushed you to suicide, and then I fell back for you and you broke my heart and now I know you’re going to marry Greg and I won’t even be invited to the wedding even though I’ve know him my whole life and he used to be the one I shared everything with.

He felt terrible. Not because it felt terrible, but because telling Rebecca all of those things felt great, seeing her hurt felt good and he was disgusted with himself. He didn’t know he was the kind of person who would enjoy revenge, but he did. He was glad Rebecca knew how much she hurt him, and he was glad she was hurt because of him.  
« You hurt her enough » he thought to himself. Yeah. He did.

Rebecca was almost crying, and people were staring at them. He felt terrible. He didn’t know what other word would describe this feeling. Just… Bad. He felt bad.

\- I’m sorry, Becks. I didn’t mean to hurt you I just… It’s not fair for you to come up and tell me how to live my life after fucking it all up. It’s my job to do something with myself.

She stayed silent for a while.

\- I’m sorry. I never realised…  
\- It’s okay. I didn’t want an apology. I’m just asking you to be my friend, and trust me. I’m going to get back on my feet.

She smiled and they finished their food, chatting about their friends and trying to find a name to Hector and Heather’s futur baby. 

He didn’t hear about Rebecca for a month. His boss became worst. She slapped his butt to say hi in the morning and he didn’t know how to tell her to stop without getting fired. Paula told him her son was going to high school soon. Valencia came back from New York to see her dad who was feeling sick. They met up and he could tell she knew about his job. She told him, surprisingly kind, that he was a good guy and deserved good things. He told her Beth was really softening her and she hit his arm.

And then, Rebecca came back.

She barged in his office before he finished the day (she definitely knew the security guard or something) and told him they were going to dinner.

They went to her house, and had food ordered.

\- Look, I’m going to go straight to the point.  
\- Go on, I’m listening.

He wasn’t really. He was looking for the wasabi sauce. Why was this bag so big, he couldn’t find anything in it.

\- I got an offer. They want my play to be on Broadway.

Ah, here was the wasabi sauce ! Yummy yummy !

\- Josh, did you hear me ?

Shoot…

\- No, sorry, you were saying ?  
\- Josh… A producer came to see my play in West Covina’s theatre and they want it to be on Broadway.

Oh. Wow. That was. A big, really big announcement.

\- Wow. Becks that’s… That’s huge !! I’m so proud of you !

It was true. Rebecca, the awkward and dramatic girl he fell for in summer camp, the one who played a tiny background character and still gave it her all was going to get a play in Broadway. Wow. He felt beyond happy for her.

\- It’s so good ! You should celebrate !  
\- I will, she said, blushing. Greg is going to host the goodbye party.  
\- Good… Bye ? What ?  
\- Well, I’m going to New York. To work on the play and see the premier.

Rebecca’s leaving. Oh. Suddenly, the news wasn’t as exciting anymore.

\- But I’ll come back, she added immediately. West Covina’s my home now ! I’ll just leave for a couple of months, that’s it.  
\- Oh. Okay then.

That wasn’t so bad. Still. She was going to New York. He remembered the way her voice shook and the look she had when she told them. « Truth is… I was miserable in New York »

-bI want you to come with me.

Wait. What ?

She started talking fast, barely breathing, like she did when she was trying to convince someone she wasn’t crazy.

\- I know you want to fix your life on your own and I’m glad you are, but I went through some shit myself and I know that doing something that doesn’t make you happy will not help you, that’s why I quit being a lawyer, and I loved theatre and that’s why I got into it and it makes me so happy, and you used to love theatre too, you were so popular at camp because you were one of the best dancers, and I’ll definitely need dancers for the play, so maybe you could come with me and dance on my play so you’ll do something that you actually like, and maybe even start a career there !

Oh. She wanted him to go to New York with her and dance on her play.

\- That’s… A lot, Becks. Even for you.  
\- But it’s not ! I didn’t take this decision spontaneously, like I often do. I mean, yeah, I got this idea two hours after our conversation, but I talked about it to the girls and Dr Akopian and they all agree that we have unfinished business and I have to fix what I ruined.  
\- Wait, seriously ? Even Valencia agreed it was a good idea ?  
\- Well, yeah. I mean, her exact words were « I’ll be right there with you for the damage control » but she didn’t straight up said no, so that’s something !  
\- Becks, I don’t know… Leaving to go back to a place where we were both miserable, doing something crazy like that…  
\- Don’t think about that ! Think about the good things that could happen ! Don’t you miss dancing ?

Of course he missed dancing. He missed having fun. He used to have fun all the time. When the hell did he change so much that he was hesitant at the idea of doing something fun and risky ? And, he wouldn’t be alone. Rebecca would be there, and she believed in him.

\- I can’t believe myself but… Okay. Why not ?

Rebecca shrieked and jumped to hug him. She whispered, still holding him.

\- I was a little scared to go back to New York to be honest. The fact that Valencia would be there comforted me, but you’ll be there too now, and I’m not scared at all anymore.  
\- Yeah… It’s going to be fun. I hope.

This was his last shot, he swore to himself. He was going to get a leave from work, go to New York, dance on Broadway, and if it made him happy, maybe he’ll get back to… Being a part time DJ maybe ? Or something. And if it went terribly, he’d stay a secretary and he’d stick to a normal, not fun life.

Hector tells him it’s a horrible idea.  
He’s here for the week and he asked Josh when he was free to hang out. He was free practically every day, but pretended to be very busy and they only saw each other on Saturday, for lunch.

Hector talked about his baby and Heather doubting her abilities as a mother, and his own mom telling them she’d be there to help whenever they need. Hector’s mom was really the best.  
Hector then asked about Josh’s life, in a very sad way, like his actual question was « how are you handling the break up ? ». Josh didn’t like that, so he told him about going to New York like it was exciting, and not completely insane.

\- And with Rebecca of all people ?? What’s wrong with you ?  
\- I know it sounds insane but...  
\- Did you ask your therapist about it ? What about your job ? Are you quitting ? And do you remember that you were miserable in New York ?  
\- Well, to answer all of your questions,..  
\- I hope you’re not doing this because you think you and Rebecca are going to get back together, you know for a fact that Greg...  
\- I KNOW !

He regrets his yelling immediately. Hector was just worried.

\- Sorry man, I just… I know it sounds crazy but. I’m not following Rebecca in New York because I think we could get back together. I’m not like, a crazy ex boyfriend or something. I’m just...

It’s difficult to say it out loud. He told his therapist last week, but it was easy to talk to Dr. Akopian. Hector is different. He doesn’t know why but he is.

\- …I’m not happy anymore. Haven’t been in a long while. I have to get back to that feeling. It’s been too long.

Hector sighs. He doesn’t know what it means, when people sigh. Is he disappointed ? Does he think Josh became a bummer ? Does he regret hanging out with him ?

\- I know, Hector finally says. But… Rebecca ? Seriously ? You’re not good for each other.  
\- We work well as friends !

He truly believes it. Together, romantically, they never had a chance. He wasn’t smart enough, she wasn’t stable enough, they were both too much into their own heads. And well. She was going to get back to Greg eventually, so. He wasn’t going to New York for that.

\- I’m gonna be in a musical, Hector !  
\- You said you were too old to dance three years ago, remember ?  
\- Maybe I was wrong ! I don’t know. But it’s my last chance. I swear. I did tell my boss I was going to leave for six months, and she was cool with it, as long as I get back. If I don’t find something in New York, the answer to my problems or whatever it is that I’m missing in my life, I’ll come back. George is willing to let me crash at his place for a while until I get enough money to sign a lease. I’m not taking a huge risk.  
\- Okay. Do as you want man. But I really don’t think it’s a good idea.

They share an apartment.  
Josh thought it was a terrible idea. Rebecca reminded him of the money he used to spend on rent and he changed his mind. They’d be rommies again ! Yay !

The house is small. They get a bunk bed and he lets Rebecca get the bottom one. They get back to their routine of him trying to convince her to go easy on the junk food, and her convincing him to eat junk food. (She always ends up winning)  
They didn’t pack a lot because they won’t be spending much time in New York anyway, six months maximum (the play would definitely not stay on Broadway for longer than that) Also, they have very little space. But the one bedroom apartment ends up cluttered anyway, because they get loads of souvenirs for seemingly every single person they ever met in their life. 

He auditions for the play a week after they arrived. It’s nerve-racking. He remembers his highschool days. And that Christmas that seems a long time ago, when he jumped on stage to help a bunch of teenagers on a dance bit.

He gets the part. He thinks it’s because Rebecca pushed it, but she swears to God she didn’t. He’s a little bit ashamed of it, but it’s a small part anyway, he didn’t delay the rise to fame of a Broadway star by taking the role of « dancer number 4 ». He doesn’t believe Rebecca didn’t push this until the first time he gets to rehearsal and realises that he can actually keep up with professional dancers.

The other dancers are awesome.

He meets Victor, who’s super gay and super awesome. He’s constantly hyping up everyone, including all the people who work backstage. He knows everyone by name and he thinks Josh is very talented for someone who doesn’t have any experience on an actual stage, and tells him Broadway is like a big family, which is not very true. Some actors are super pretentious but yeah…  
He meets Kendra, who’s super cute and kind. She thinks that him knowing magic tricks is cool, and not pathetic. She skateboards too, and she used to be a boxer before she learned how to express herself through music.  
He meets another guy named Josh, and because he doesn’t want to be called “Asian Josh” and the other guy doesn’t want to be called “Black Josh”, they end up calling each other by their last name. So, his new name is Chan, and Black Josh’s name is Grey. Grey is cool and super smooth with girls. He flirts with every single one of them (including Rebecca) but they all giggle and he doesn’t take it further. He just likes to feel charming.  
He falls back in love with dancing. The songs Rebecca wrote, they’re really good. They’re not excellent, but with the help of the producers that work on the play, they become fantastic. The choreographies are difficult and he has to sing a little, but he loves it. He loves it so much.

He practices all the time, sometimes alone, sometimes with Grey, Kendra or Victor, and he has so much fun, he feels…. Super duper happy. He feels good, surrendered by people who actually like him and don’t tell him what to do. He also doesn’t tell them what to do or say. It makes him think about how he used to boss Greg around, and how Valencia used to boss him around. He remembers how his friends constantly made fun of him for liking dancing (“It’s not a real sport man !”) and how his parents told him they’d never spend a penny in sending him to community college (“It’s either an Ivy League college or nothing, you get it ?”)  
It feels like he felt during summer camp, but better. Because, in summer camp, he was still sad because of his break up with Valencia, and he was a teenager, awkward and stupid. But he felt happy, doing something he liked and being around people who supported him truly, not just the ideal they held him up to. And Rebecca. He was dating Rebecca. She was passionate, and funny and she kissed him like he meant the world to her.

He still has Rebecca, but in a different way. She’s his best friend now. She has tons of ideas for the play. She gives her opinion on everything : the casting, the decors, the costumes, the music arrangements. Not everyone is a fan of hers. Of course. When one of the producers tells her to “stay in her place”, she goes home crying.

\- It’s my baby, Josh ! I worked so hard on this and they’re going to change all of it !

She’s exaggerating, they just changed one of her characters’ hair colour. But she’s Rebecca, and she cares A LOT about things.

\- Becks… Listen, he tells her, on top of the bunk bed. It’s still your story. Is it a little bit different ? Yeah. But that’s because other people get to work on your story too. Now, it’s everyone’s story, not just yours. It’s not just your baby now, it’s our baby. And it’s going to be beautiful. Trust me.

They get lots of conversations like that. Bunk bed conversations. It’s easier to talk when you don’t see the person.

One night, she asks him about Greg.

\- I just don’t understand him. He said he wouldn’t wait for me anymore, and I was glad because, in the end, we weren’t good together. But now he gets all mad about me going to New York like we’re a couple and I can’t make this kind of decisions anymore ? Can’t he just make a choice and stand by it ?

He doesn’t really want to hear about that. The fact that she talks to Greg more than he does still hurts. But he’ll get over it because it’s Rebecca and he can’t say no to her.

\- … Well. Greg’s a complex person. He’s not very confident in himself, so he makes fun of other people to feel better. He’s also super closed up and doesn’t talk honestly about himself, but when you’re close to him, he thinks you’ll magically get the super power to read his mind. He didn’t tell me he hates Valencia until Hector told me. And he was like “hey, you knew I didn’t like her, I was making fun of her all the time !” But like, if you make fun of everyone all the time, how am I supposed to know when you do it out of affection or out of… Not affection ?  
\- I know !! But I mean, you’ve known him for years, you must have some sort of secret knowledge of him, right ?

Josh thinks about it for a minute and, well, he doesn’t know.

\- I don’t think so. It’s just that we’re. Like. Very different but complimentary. Like a sweet and sour sauce ! I’m super honest all the time and he isn’t. I’m always happy and he’s always angry. I’m dumb and he’s smart. (He ignores Rebecca’s “you’re not !”) I’m good at making friends, he’s good at keeping them. I peaked in high school and he’s in a constant high. He made me listen to all of the cool bands and I explained to him what was going on during sports games. We worked well together.  
\- You sound like you miss him.  
\- Of course I do ! Greg’s awesome !

He means it. They dealt with each other’s crap for years.

\- I was here for him when his parents divorced. And he was here for me when my dog died. We talked about everything together. He’s really good at keeping secrets and he never judges you when you tell them. He’s also always ready to go out or stay in, whatever you feel like, he’s okay with. He’s awesome.  
\- You should call him.

She whispers it like she knows it’s not a good idea, even if it should be the right thing to do.

\- I can’t. We hurt each other too much.

He hears her sigh and curl into herself on the bottom bed.

\- It’s all my fault.  
\- No… We weren’t good together. He’s better since he’s met you ! And since he stopped loving me.

It hurts a little to admit out loud, but he’s made his peace with it. Most people were better since they stopped being around him.

\- It’s funny, actually, the amount of people who are better since I’ve left their lives. Valencia’s better now, successful, married to the coolest girl in the world. Hector’s married too, out of his mom’s place and a soon to be dad.  
\- Okay, I’ll stop you right here, Josh Chan. These people aren’t happier because you left their lives. They’re better because they decided to change some stuff that wasn’t making them happy. And they didn’t leave you. Hector still sees you as his closest friend and you were Valencia’s first love. She’s never going to erase you, you hold too much place in her heart. Hell, she invited you to the wedding ! And Beth likes you a lot, she thinks you’re really cool too. For Greg… I think you two just need time. You’ll get back to each other. I know it.

He still talks to his therapist once a week, through facetime, and Rebecca does too. They just always make sure to be outside when the other has his session.  
Usually, Josh goes jogging, or he visits Valencia and Beth. Beth is super cool, she likes video games and she laughs easily and talks to him about her most annoying clients. Valencia's a lot less fun to be around because she still bosses him around like when they were a couple. She takes him shopping so he can hold her bags and takes him to work. Usually he does everything right by congratulating the happy couple and encouraging all of their ideas, especially the ones Valencia gives them.

\- You’re good at this, Valencia tells him after the second time she took him with her.  
\- At what ?  
\- Just… Telling people what they need to hear.  
\- Well, I worked in a store, he answers her non question.

One of the couples asks him to be the DJ at their wedding. He says no because he knows Valencia wanted a live band for this wedding, and that a DJ would ruin the aesthetic. But she tells them that he’s an incredible dancer and would help them work on their dancing.  
So he gets a side gig as a dance teacher for fiancees, teaching them what he knows of ballroom dancing. It helps to pay the the bills, fills up the free time he has after practice and he genuinely enjoys it.

He gets Paula on the phone and tells her all that’s been going on with him. She gets very happy for him.

\- Of course you’d be a good teacher ! You’re kind and passionate. You could open your own studio when you’ll come back home !

Oh yeah. He has yet to figure out what he’ll do when he’ll be back in West Covina. But he knows he won’t be a teacher.

\- I don’t have enough money to pay for a studio, Paula. I’ll already have to crash at George’s place when I’ll be back, I definitely don’t have enough to rent a studio.  
\- Won’t you move in with Rebecca ?

She sounds genuinely surprised.

\- No ! Of course not ! We’re staying together here because New York is extremely expensive and because we can keep each other from losing it in a city that we both hated back then. But there’s no reason for us to be roommates again in West Covina.  
\- There is multiple reasons for you to be roommates again. First, you’re broke. Second, Rebecca’s not doing that we’ll financially either. Her donut shop can only bring so much money. Also, you two are made for each other and should get back together.

He immediately feels upset.

\- Ok, Paula. Listen. I value our friendship a lot. But I’m not gonna let you put stupid ideas in my head. Rebecca and I are perfect as friends. Besides, she’s gonna get back with Greg. He was the favourite, I saw it on the board.

He remembers how hurt he felt when he saw the betting board that his friends kept. Few were the ones thinking that he’d get Rebecca’s heart. Deep down, he didn’t think he had a chance either. He wasn’t smart enough for her, wasn’t making any money, and their two attempts at a relationship ended up as failures to say the least.  
Greg on the other end. He was smart, had his own restaurant, a degree, and even though his two attempts at a relationship with Rebecca were also failures, they didn’t end up with Rebecca trying to commit suicide either.

\- Listen, Josh. I know Rebecca better than anyone. And I bet on you. Not whinny Greg, not man-child Nathaniel. You. It should matter more what I think than what Tom or Maya think.  
\- It does ! I was flattered you thought I’d be good enough for her. But. Rebecca and I missed our chance. We’re better as friends. And we have other things to think about right now. The play, New York. Therapy. Getting better. There’s no place for romance in that.

That was a lie. He was in a committed relationship a couple of months ago. Rebecca’s definitively talking to Greg still. They’re both hopeless romantics at heart and would always find time and energy for romance. But he doesn’t want to. He wants to focus on himself and what he is apart from someone else’s boyfriend. And even if he did, Rebecca wouldn’t want him.

His therapist told him to list positive things about himself when he feels like he isn’t good enough. He is a good dancer, and apparently, a good teacher. He is good with kids and a decent cook. He knows cool magic tricks and he can hang out with possibly anyone who’s not a complete jackass. He has a decent voice, he works out often and he takes care of his body. He doesn’t lie and respects elders.  
The words of Dr. Acopian echo in his mind. “You’re doing your best, Josh. It is important for you to acknowledge that. Even if you feel like it isn’t enough for other people around you, doing the best you can is a lot more than most people do.” 

The day of the premier gets closer and closer.  
They get their first full rehearsal with costumes on and, even if they did some mistakes, they’re easy to fix, and that makes everyone relax.

He does call Greg eventually. Between the non stop rehearsals, the dancing and sweating, between all the time spent with his new friends and calling his old friends at home, the night of the premier comes so fast it feels like a dream. He’s so nervous he could explode. Rebecca’s just like him, maybe even more anxious, and they make a pact to stop each other from popping too many meds to control their raging emotions. They start doing meditation together, which sounded stupid at first but ended up really helping, even if they have to wake up at 5h30 in order to have time to do everything in the day. In the midst of everything, he wishes Greg was there.

He talks about it to his therapist, who he sees on facetime every week, when Rebecca’s busy visiting her mom or Audra. His therapist tells him, with lots of delicacy and kindness, to just get over it and call his friend. So he does.

The call goes fine. It’s awkward and weird, and none of them says Rebecca’s name, but at the end, he invites Greg to the premier, because he genuinely wants him there. Greg seems to be happy for him.

\- I never thought you’d end up on Broadway, he says. You hated New York so much ! Never thought you’d get back there.  
\- Well, I never thought you’d open a restaurant, and in West Covina, the worst place on earth in your opinion, to say the least. Life’s surprising like that.

The night of the premier comes. He is scared. Rebecca hogs the toilets on the morning, and when he starts to get angry, she opens the door and she’s so pale he thinks she might pass out.

\- Becks ? Are you okay ?  
\- Yeah ! I’m super excited !

She never sounded more fake. He feels sad. Why is she pretending ?

\- You know you can be honest with me.

She deflates like a balloon.

\- What if they hate it ?  
\- Come on, everyone loves the play !  
\- I don’t know, Josh.

She falls dramatically on the couch and he joins her and holds her hand.

\- The producers changed so many things.  
\- Tiny things ! You think people loved the story because one of the girls had blond hair ?  
\- It reflects her character’s naivety ! It’s an important detail !  
\- Okay, but it’s not why people loved the play. It’s because it’s about real people. It was written by someone who went through hell and back and wanted to share a story about healing. Your voice is what made the story what it is. People felt your sincerity and saw themselves in your story. The songs are raw with emotion. And still, it had lots of funny jokes because you want people to smile as much as you want them to understand your message. It’s a wonderful play. They’ll love it.

Rebecca started crying silently in the middle of his speech, a small smile on her lips.

\- I’m so glad you came here with me, Josh. I’m so glad I met you on the streets while in the middle of a panic attack and I’m so glad you let me into your life even if I ruined it.  
\- You didn’t, he cuts, and she frowns. Okay, you did, but… I’m here now. And I’m. I’m happy.

It feels a little weird to say it out loud. But he feels happy, had for a while. He hopes saying it aloud won’t curse it.

\- When we met at summer camp, I fell for you because you were everything I wanted to be, he admits with a fond smile. You were passionate, you were smart, you didn’t care what people think. You knew exactly what you wanted and how to get it. I suppose it’s what scared me, that you made me feel like I could be more than just that cool guy who peaks in high school.  
\- Well, she says squeezing his hand. I fell for you because you were everything I wanted to be. You made friends easily, everyone admired you because you were one of our best dancer. You were living in the present, always relaxed and enjoying the moment. I wanted you to teach me how to be happy.  
\- Well, I suppose we taught each other that one can only learn to be happy on its own... That sentence makes sense right ?  
\- I does. I’ll write it at the end of the movie adaptation of the play.  
\- You’re getting a movie adaptation ?!?!  
\- I will !  
\- That’s the spirit !

The show is a success. Some people cry at the end, and they get a standing ovation. Rebecca cries and hugs every member of the cast and crew.

Half of West Covina shows up and fills the last rows (none of them is rich enough to pay both for a trip to NY and Broadway tickets) Rebecca and Josh both leave he after party with the rest of the cast really early to go hang out with their friends at a bar.  
Daryl is here, and he shows them pictures of his baby daughter. He’s thinking of proposing to his girlfriend, but wants to “do it right” which, in Daryl world, means in an extremely loud and dramatic way.  
Then, there’s Paula, who tells them about her kids and her first real case as a lawyer.<  
There’s George, who passes them Nathaniel (the tall guy Rebecca used to date and that Josh finds kinda low-key cool) on facetime and he tells them he’s proud of them. He’s still in South Africa, saving gorillas and other animals. He seems happy.  
Heather and Hector get super drunk. They’re going to try for a baby, and Heather wants to take advantage of the last days of freedom she still has before becoming a mom. Josh thinks she’s doing it because that’s what Hector wants, like when she married him because he wanted to, but she tells him that she’s actually genuinely excited at the idea of teaching a small human to be as cool as she is. “It’s my heritage” she says, looking proud.  
Beth and Valencia are moving out. Their business is going incredibly well, and they now have enough money to get a real place, instead of living in a shoe box.  
And then. There’s Greg. Josh is so, so happy to see him, but he came with a girl, and that’s just… Bad. Greg hugs him awkwardly and tells him that the girl’s name is Sadie, and they’ve been dating for a couple of months now and he wanted to impress her by showing her the awesome play his friends were involved with. Rebecca joins them and pretends very well that she doesn’t care. There’s so much tension in between them, Josh thinks he might explode. So, he runs away, like he often does, and goes back to analysing the play with White Josh and talking about what they could do better next time.

When they get back home, super drunk and tired at 4 in the morning, they don’t talk. Josh doesn’t ask Rebecca how she’s feeling and he can hear her cry after they go to bed.  
The next day, he makes her breakfast. He congratulates her, reads her some of the good critics that they got on the morning papers and just smiles, waiting for her to talk about it herself. He doesn’t have to wait long.

\- You’re right ! I DID fulfill my dream ! And that’s awesome. My play’s on Broadway and we killed it !

She moves her arms everywhere and looks at the ceiling like she doesn’t when she’s running around the bush.

\- Very few people do that. Like, that’s a really really big deal, right ? I think most people don’t realise that, and that’s the whole message of the play, you don’t need someone else to make you happy, like you don’t NEED romantic love and sure, it’s a nice feeling and all, but it’s just NOT the most important thing ! You totally don’t need it to be happy ! Like, Greg seems to be happy with his girlfriend, and I’m glad for him, I’m super happy, she seems great, I don’t remember her name because I only heard it once, since Greg never brought her up to me before, but she seems nice and they look totally in love and that’s great for them, but me, well, I don’t NEED love, because I have greater things in life ! I have passion, and I have drive, and I have music !

She goes on for a while, then tells him that he’s a great friend, hugs him, and kindly asks him to go on his jogging so she can talk to Dr. Accopian about how happy she is.

He goes to hang out with Hector and Heather since they won’t get back home before the evening and shows them his favourite places in NY. He is in the middle of an explanation on how complicated it is to find your way home in that huge city (“I know it seems simple because the streets are numbers, but everything looks so big and scary that you'll end up lost anyway”) when Rebecca calls him. She’s crying and asking him to come home, which he does immediately. He thinks of asking Heather to come with him, but he doesn’t know if Rebecca wants to be seen by her friend like that. So he goes back, and Rebecca cries in his neck for a while. She tells him she did know that Greg wasn’t going to wait and she knows she’s being unfair to him cause she feels cheated on.

\- I feel so stupid to cry about a guy when my entire play is about how you don’t need love, I’m such a fake ass fat ugly loser.  
\- Wow wow wow, Rebecca ! Stop the self depressing talk ! You know none of those things are true ! Listen. Yes, you don’t need romantic love. You were fine for six months, away from not only Greg, but also half of your friends. And you were happy. Super happy. As happy as you deserve to be. But needing someone and wanting them are two different things. You are allowed to want to be in a relationship.  
\- I can't, she cuts in. I mean, I shouldn't. I always goes badly with me. I'm not stable enough.  
\- Come one, Becks ! he whines. You are ! You're... You are... You're great ! Awesome, even. You need to believe in yourself more. Even when you weren't medicated and avoided therapy as much as possible, you were still the best girlfriend I ever had ! You're caring, and passionate, and adorable all the time ! And you like, totally deserve to fall in love and to live a happy, healthy relationship. Just... Maybe it won't be Greg, or maybe it will, I mean, who knows...

Rebecca stoped crying at the beginning of his speech, and sat there, staring at him. And when he finishes talking, she kisses him.   
On the cheek.  
And that's like totally fine, friends do that all the time ! But for a weird reason, it feels more intimate and vulnerable than any of the times they made out or had sex.

\- You're the best person I ever met, Josh Chan. I'm so glad you allowed me into your life and kept me there.

She starts crying again.

\- No, no, don't cry again Becks, it breaks my heart !  
\- I'm crying because I'm happy to know you, not because I'm sad !

Still, she wipes her tears and looks at him with what Josh thinks looks like lots of affection in her eyes.

\- I'm so proud of you Josh. You've grown up so much, without losing any of your kindness or honesty, or childlike wonder for the world. Also, you're talented, and you're waisting your potential away with a dead end job with an abusive asshole as a boss. And also, thank you for going with me every time my mom invites me to diner, it really makes it all easier to bear because she honestly loves you because you're the most adorable person on earth.

At that moment Josh starts feeling a little bit like crying himself.

\- You're my best friend, Becks.  
\- You're mine too, Josh Chan.

He goes to rehearsals and asks Valencia to keep Rebecca company for the rest of the day. When he comes back, they're both wine drunk and are buying useless things on amazone. Beth joins them for diner and they get takeaway pizza because none of them feels like cooking. Overall, it's a great evening.

That night, he dreams about kissing Rebecca. On the lips.  
And how different it would feel now that they're both better people. How he would love her for her and not for what she makes him feel like. How she could be real with him now, none of the lies and none of the pretence. How he'd take her to Ragging Waters and how much fun they'd have. All of the amazing dates they'd have since they're both so romantic. How they'd get each others on check, with things like therapy and medications. How the next time he'd propose, it would be his idea, not Noami's and how he get her an actual ring, not her own family heirloom. How the next time she'd wear a bride's dress, he wouldn't leave her crying, just because he was scared they didn't know each other enough to commit for the rest of their life. How good they'd both be with kids, seeing how much they love Daryl's baby girls. How they'd do it right that time.

In the morning, the dream is still in the back of his head, nagging him, but he won't kiss her. Not unless he's sure. She's still crying over Greg. Maybe Greg's not over her, maybe his girlfriend would be gone in a couple of months and they'd get back together. He'd be fine if they did. He knows he doesn't need romantic love to be happy. He's sure about that now. And if Greg stays with Saddie, he'd be happy for him. And if Rebecca would have him back, they could try again, in a way that'd be a lot healthier. Or they could just stay friends forever. That'd be great too. As long as Rebecca stays in his life, it doesn't matter how close they stay or how often they talk. He just wants his favourite person around.

Josh sends his resigning letter right after the third representation. He calls and videocalls every time he's got a second between the play and the dancing classes and finally gets a job in West Covina. It's a dance studio, the one in which Valencia used to teach yoga. He'll teach dancing to tiny primary school kids. He's already in love with his new job.

Rebecca misses home more and more. He gets home sick too. They enjoy New York as much as they can thought, up until they miss West Covina so much they end up talking about it dreamily, like an ex they share. 

Back home, things are exactly the way they are. Josh gets a place in a one bedroom apartment in the building he lived in before moving with Valencia. He refuses Rebecca's offer to be her roommate again. He wants to do things on his own this time. As expected, he loves his job, and as expected, he's good at it. The kids love him. The pay is bad tho, but he quickly gets to teach an all teens, an adults, and even a senior class. People in West Covina talk to him like he's a Broadway star and not a simple "dancer number for" on a brand new play.

Rebecca crashes at his place every Fridays. She's writing again.   
Greg broke up with his girlfriend, and he sees him every other Saturday, when they eat lunch together in his restaurant. They talk about the old times and the way they remember things is so different... At one point, Greg looks at him and tells him "look at us. We're all grown up now" and it makes Josh feel weirdly proud.   
He has a brand new nephew and he hangs out with his parents a bit more, but he leaves as soon as they start becoming impossible again.

Overall, he's happy. He don't know what the future holds for him, but he is ready, no matter what comes his way, because now he knows. He knows he's strong and he knows that when he's not, he can ask for help. He knows he's enough, and that he's deserving of a happy life. He's not stupid, he's not heatless, he's not weak. He's impulsive, he's talkative, he finds it difficult to understand other people, even the ones he loves. He's attractive, he's funny, he's easy going, but that's not all he is. He's talented, he's kind, he's a good brother, a good friend, he's honest and open-minded.

So, that's where he is for now, and there's no reasons to worry about the future. He can face it. Because he knows he has what it takes now.


End file.
